So I’ve been SUPER busy taking the inspirational advice of all those signs I see everywhere and living, loving, laughing. I have therefore fallen a teen, tiny bit behind on my writing. I have, thank God I hear you all sigh with relief, still found time for watching so I thought I better give some quick thoughts on the movies I have seen since my last post.
Please hold
Thor: The Dark World (2013)
Cast: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins, Christopher Eccleston, Rene Russo, Kat Dennings, Stellan Skarsgard
Writers: Christopher Yost, Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely
Director: Alan Taylor
Look. I REALLY want to be able to say great things about Thor: TDW, but the best I can come up with is: it was fun. I mean, half the movie doesn’t even make sense, and not in the sorta-Gods-fighting-aliens-on-Earth “doesn’t make sense”, but in the the-plot-doesn’t-make-any-sense “doesn’t-make-sense”.
Lightning crashes, a new mother cries…
Like, why does Malekith want to return the universe to darkness again? I mean, he wipes out pretty much his entire race at the start of the movie so I don’t see what his motivation is. And why didn’t Odin’s dad go after Malekith after the big battle of the prologue? Couldn’t be bothered? Figured he’s stay vanquished? Saw the ship go invisible and just thought “well, that’s going to be hard to track, best leave it for some furture generations to deal with”? And why is Anthony Hopkins (The Silence of the Lambs) phoning it in so terribly? I thought Natalie Portman (Garden State) was the one who wanted out of her contract! And how was the bifrost bridge thingy repaired? Destroying it seemed like a pretty big deal in the first movie. I know they skipped over this in The Avengers too but it kinda should have been addressed here (plus The Avengers was WAY more awesome than T:TDW, so is WAY more easily forgiven). And how do those sticks in the ground create portals to the other realms? I think Stellan Skarsgard (Deep Blue Sea) explained it to Stan Lee in the psych hospital scene but I don’t really think it was legit. And why oh why is Chris Hemsworth (Rush) shirtless only once and for such a short amount of time? So many questions, so few answers.
The good parts included: Rene Russo (The Thomas Crown Affair) getting to do more than just stand around like she did in the first film, realising more Kat Dennings (Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist), who is perfection in everything she does, is always a good things and performing re-shoots to accommodate this, Tom Hiddleston (War Horse) who is yet another example of perfection, an awesome cameo from another Avenger, and some fantastic action scenes which were bigger and better than anything seen in Thor.
I can’t deny it was entertaining, there were many LOL moments and the special effects were amazing, but there was also a lot wrong with it. 3 Rant and Rave points.
The Heat (2013)
What the hell have they done to Melissa McCarthy’s face?
Cast: Sandra Bullock, Melissa McCarthy, Marlon Wayans, Michael Rapaport
Writer: Katie Dippold
Director: Paul Feig
I don’t get what the deal is with making Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids) a foul-mouthed slob in movies. Looking back on her career and she has never been funnier than she is playing (relatively) normal characters in Mike & Molly and yes, even Gilmore Girls. Why do directors insist on grossing her up? Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, The Heat is still funny even if it is a clichéd as they come. Straight, by the books cop has to team up with crazy, anything goes cop to catch the bad guy. Will these two polar opposites learn to accept and rely on each other by the end of the movie while learning a few life lessons along the way? SPOLIER ALERT! Yes. Yes they will. 3 ½ Rant and Rave points.
Monsters University (2013)
Cast: John Goodman, Billy Crystal, Steve Buscemi, Helen Mirren
Writers: Daniel Gerson, Robert L. Baird & Dan Scanlon
Director: Dan Scanlon
They did the mash…
I’ve always had this idea that at the end of Monsters Inc., when Mike and Sulley repair the door to Boo’s bedroom and peek inside, it would be great to see that Boo is now a grown up woman and is in there tucking her own daughter in to bed. She turns, sees the monsters, and has the same look of surprise and happiness that they have on their faces as the movie fades to black. I’ve just always wanted to know what they see! I’m as big a fan as an Inception ambiguous ending as the next person, just not in my Disney movies! Anyway, I tell you this as some kind of crazy explanation as to why I believe a SEquel to Monsters Inc. probably would have worked so much better than this PREquel.
There’s just something missing in Monsters University, and I’m pretty sure it’s Boo. Not only was she funny and ridiculously adorable, but she was the human element for us to connect to in a world of monsters. She’s sorely missed. Now that we know that children’s screams are less powerful than laughter, it seems pointless to make a movie about monsters learning all the different techniques to make kids scream. And “Scare Games”? Just, pfft. Also, as with almost all prequels, the stakes aren’t quite as high when you know the eventual outcome.
Having said all this I am obviously not the target audience for this kind of movie and I wasn’t sitting through the whole thing wishing for it to be over. 2 ½ Rant and Rave points.
The Wolverine (2013)
Cast: Hugh Jackman, Tao Okamoto, Rila Fukushima, Hiroyuki Sananda, Svetlana Khodchenkova, Brian Tee, Hal Yamanouchi, Famke Janssen
I could totes have abs like that too if I wanted…I just don’t wanna
Writers: Mark Bomback & Scott Frank
Director: James Mangold
I have to admit, I wasn’t particularly looking forward to this one. Call me a Movie Racist if you will but I’m just not a fan of “samurai movies”. I don’t go out of my way to see them. Wolverine in Japan? It didn’t appeal to me. I didn’t even bother seeing this in cinemas, but a 14 hour flight is the perfect opportunity to catch up on these things. I was pleasantly surprised. It’s great to see Wolverine finally get his own, decent movie. Now we can all pretend that Origins things doesn’t even exist (though I think many fans out there were already doing that). Good storyline (oh no! Logan isn’t healing), good characters (only one or two b-grade mutants to keep track of instead of the usual ten thousand), good action (blades! arrows! claws!). Things do go a little off the rails at the end when Logan is fighting a giant, adamantium samurai (why couldn’t it just be human sized? Theoretically it would be just as powerful) but it isn’t so bad as to ruin the whole movie. 3 ½ Rant and Rave points.
The Lone Ranger (2013)
Nothing about this poster makes any kind of sense. And check out the creepy midgets behind Helena Bonham Carter!
Cast: Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer, William Fichtner, Tom Wilkinson, Ruth Wilson, Helena Bonham Carter , James Badge Dale
Writers: Justin Haythe, Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio
Director: Gore Verbinski
It’s been pretty much impossible to avoid all the negativity that has been surrounding The Lone Ranger since its release. While it’s no Fried Green Tomatoes (i.e. cinematic masterpiece), I don’t think it’s anywhere near as bad as we have been led to believe. It’s long. WAY long. Noticeably long, which is probably it’s biggest negative. There are so many aspects of the storyline that could have been tightened to shorten the running time. It’s an entertaining story though. The presentation of the narration is particularly interesting. There’s a good cast. Depp (Sleepy Hollow) is great, as always. He has this sort of thing down pat. Hammer (The Social Network) works as the title character. The special effects and action scenes are enjoyable, even if there are often long stretches in between them. All in all it’s an enjoyable movie, just not one you ever find yourself captivated in or on the edge of your seat. 3 Rant and Rave points.
The Best Offer (2013)
Cast: Geoffrey Rush, Jim Sturgess, Sylvia Hoeks, Donald Sutherland
Writers: Giuseppe Tornatore
Director: Giuseppe Tornatore
Bizarre movie. Strange story. Peculiar characters. A slow-burner with a great payoff at the end. Stick with it through the absurdity and you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Nothing more to say really. 4 Rant and Rave points.
The Conjuring (2013)
Cast: Patrick Wilson, Vera Farmiga, Lili Taylor, Ron Livingston
Writers: Chad Hayes & Carey Hayes
Director: James Wan
Oh, James Wan (Saw), you so scary! Even without Leigh Whannell (Insidious). What though, is your obsession with freaky, scary dolls? Do you just coincidently happen to know my kryptonite? And poor Lily Taylor (Public Enemies).
That poor bitch puts herself through some hell for her parts (see The Haunting and Six Feet Under). And finally, Ron Livingston (Parkland). I’m sorry, Ron but you’ll always be Burger to me and I’ll never be able to forgive you for being such a dick to Carrie on Sex and the City.
Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, The Conjuring is pretty damn good. Plenty of Boo! moments. Some great makeup effects. Patrick Wilson (Little Children), who I love. Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air), who I love. Horror, which I love. A family living in a haunted house that do smart things like all sleep together in the lounge and chain creepy, banging doors closed. They even realise they need paranormal investigators pretty quickly. They do, of course, do some dumb things (the least of which being not wearing a freakin’ condom! How many kids do these people want?), but not enough of them that you’re rooting for them to be killed like in oh so many horror movies these days. 4 Rant and Rave points.
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